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My partner’s accusations and insecurity are making me want to leave her: Ask Ellie

Written by on June 20, 2019


Q: I’m a retired divorced/widower. I’d dated quite a few women prior to meeting someone who I thought was special, a year ago.

Our feelings were mutual, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. The affection and intimacy are still great.

But her jealousy borders on paranoia.

She gets hysterical, disrespectful, abusive and screams about my previous dates before her and unfounded innuendo about my friendships with females over the years.

She has her own condo but spends many nights at my home. Every time that she’s away from me overnight, she thinks I’ve seen someone else.

I’m in my early 70s, she’s 20 years younger. I’d thought she’d be my full-time partner, but I have second thoughts now.

I’ve mentioned that she should discuss her mood swings with her doctor, because she swings from being a sweet loving person to offensive if I don’t confirm her accusations.

Also, there are conflicts. Recently, our airfare for a joint trip to Europe was $1800. We’d agreed to split the cost of the flights. She now refuses to pay me back, though I covered all our expenses while there.

We cannot have an objective discussion about anything as she knows it all.

Though she stays with me a lot, she’ll cook only rarely. I take her out for meals quite often.

I really want to end this as I don’t believe it’ll work due to her very unpredictable behaviour and unwarranted screaming outbursts.

I’ve asked her to leave if she’s not happy with me. Yet she refuses to end it.

I now just want to spend my retirement in peace.

Disappointed and Done

A: You’ve already written your own solution here, and I agree with you … it’s time to end this however you can.

Given your description of the emotional abuse she inflicts on you through constant accusations and hysterical reactions — while refusing to seek professional help for her mood swings — any future together looks like more of the same.

Yet, because you’ve genuinely cared for her, gently explain that if she’s willing to see her doctor and get counselling to deal with her extreme jealousy, you’d consider a trial period to see if the relationship improves.

If not, end it. It’s healthier to forget what she owes you on the airfare as it’ll only drag out your contact and arguments.

Q: My boyfriend of six months lives with his ex and their four-year-old son. They’re separated, but live together for their child.

We see each other daily after work for a couple of hours, sometimes on weekends. But he always goes back home.

He says his top priority is his son; he loves me, but it may take years for him to get a divorce/move out because his son’s so young.

He joked that he’ll leave everything he has to him and nothing to me.

We have good chemistry, and I think I love him. But I can’t get past his always going home, nor what he said about leaving all to his son even though I don’t want anything from him.

Should I move on or be content with what we are?

Lost and Blue

A: Look closer at “what you are.” He’s enjoying a loving fatherhood, home security and a lover. You are left in third place in his life.

His crack about leaving you “nothing,” showed a callous disregard for your feelings, even if you never want his money.

Take a break — at least six months of being apart and dating others.

Ellie’s tip of the day:

When a relationship’s unchanging, unacceptable negatives outweigh all the positives — end it.

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Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.





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